Absolution

Behind the compasion of my lovable company:

I'll let you know somehting, i'm a sick person, i let down friends and lovers over here, over the world, what's me?, well the question is not exactly this, because I'm tired of being selfish, of being the one behind the action, and most of all being the weak person, below the life, only if you are down here can i find you to help you fly.

People change

Yes these words are true, "if something has to change then it always does, if something has to give, then it always will..." these words are caugh in lyrics by the Editors, Bullets, i'm a woozy romantic shrimp, was almost convinced that everything on this earty had a sweet part, but then i realized that humanity is divided into three types of people.
  1. The Pleasing Ones These are the people that want to please the neighbor, the people that need a smile or love to be fine on this earth, these kinds of people are disgusting, because they live to please others and they need to live their lives first to please another, sooner or later you get tired of these people.
  2. The Pleased Ones These are the people that are always hoping and waiting for solace, or any kind of help to be happy, they are selfish because all they want is to be fine no matter who surrounding them is dying. These people are jerks, because they hate all humanity, they cry because they want all the attention, they laugh because they think they found the root of the humor, and they love because they need it, not because they feel it.
  3. The People that want to Live These are the ones who are always fighting with others, building an equilibrium between the slaves and the selfish ones. They dont know how to live, and they are not preaching the art of how to live either, but you can feel it, you can see it in their smile, you can sense a little bit of that perspective when you talk to one of them they found the pleasure of giving and take from lonelynes.

Lonelyness

I took my letters and notes, and submerged myself into the past, into the moment in which i sufferd for the first time... the first memory is from when i was 3 years old, crying for a toy in a supermarket, now 20 years later, i know how much it costs to purchase a toy, and why i dont need it...and i learned that alone.. . alone, the lonelyness, i used to paint my lonelyness with shades of gray, but then i realized that she was my perfect lover, so i painted it with shades of bright gold, then i realized that lonelyness is no other person than me...."We born alone, we die alone, the couple life is just a truce". Traveling in my past I found the places that I couldn't erase, or better versed I couldn't surpass, memories that i let go were the ones I overcame, But shadows appear even on clear sunny days, phantoms suround lives when they are in peace, there is no need to kill the people in your mind, you don't need to bury them, what you need to do is surpass them.
I feel my life is a huge and cold place, some of you can see my insides through some blocks of ice left transparent, in it you can see a red hot river, but then, on the borders my being is fighting trying to climb a huge wall of ice. I'm in the middle, I don't want to jump and give up to it, because it will represent my failure, the returns the massive and unexplicit sence of irony in my life... I must get into the block and learn to live in the cold wall that means suicide, I must let myself go and die in my irony, or surpass it... The raw truth is that no one cares that I'm on this wall, the raw truth is that this wall is just a small thing... surpass it... and destroy it... "If you are capable to create, you must be capable to destroy"

Searching inside

I saw, the other night, a drunk man talking with himself and crying about his misery, inside myself i laughed, deep inside of me i saw a mirror... I realized the misery of that man, blaming it all on politics, to his bad luck, and to his destiny... Fuck! I don't want to be like him, but I am... And the first person that i need to curcify is myself. Why i thought that?, well, i'm that kind of persons, the person that needs a hug when he feels bad or rejected, i'm tired of that, i'd like to relate you all my misery, all my weakness, all my powerless situation, all my confict, all my suffering!, but well, no one cares about it, and that's a reality so hard and weightful that makes me think in the ones i heard and then take care of his pain, my heart in this time is weightless, weak, so open but no one cares and the problem is not the person that hurts it, the problem is the person that carries it, me.

I consider my sister my best friend, i consider Ruben my own choosen brother, i consider Jorge my best friend, but they are dealing with her own problems, they only live for them, so i do too, and it's hard find yourself in this situation, i'm so amused to share my life, but well, we are individuals, and you can love a person, but i made the mistake to live its life too, and forgot all about mine, just to think the other person was worried about me. We are alone, the solace is hidden inside us, the bliss to work in lonelyness make you grow in spirit, i need to admit that my spirit is so weak, becuase i put all my force in the renovation or creation of other spirits, and then think that my spirit was growing with it, but sooner or later that spirit fly away and i can't reach it, becuase my spirit was just an ilusion of that.

This is not so sad, i act like a jerk sometimes, i'm not all goodness i let down a lot of people too, just to think in me, and several times desiring the useless company, and when i say useless i'm not saying that all that persons was an obstacle for me, i'm saying that i was the obstacle for them, useless relationships becuase i didn't need them and they didn't need me. Sometimes i grew inside that persons and when i realize that i get scared and i ran away... Why?, becuase my spirit was build in their spirits.

Rain

This is a hard season, first Spring, then Summer... i can't see the summer like a salvation, but the salvation will not come... did I said Salvation? Did i said expect?.
Walking back home a water drop fell upon my face, then other and other, i was the only one walking in the dark with the rain, i am a crazy guy trying to suffer well, every water drop has a story, when i'm walking ant the drops fell into the water they talk to me and hear me... what i can do now? hear that lovely chorus telling me what i am, just 5 minutes and a drop fell into my eye... what's the dependency?, i was walking in the rain and the drops talked to me... Dependency... how can i get the absolution?

The One Houndred Devils

I saw the red cloud approching me and i face it with a big smile, i wasn't prepere to that poison, because now my face is twisted down, i can only see what's behind me, and my hands touch the empiness of the time, i just can't stand all the things that hurt me now, it's an strange struggle between the love and the hate, the peace and the war, the suffer and the pleasure... And then what? all is Useless, i read the other night this stuff "The real war is when both sides are figthing", a little clumsy and logic but it knock me out, i was fighting a war with a ghost, and if you want to read something to laugh, i'm updating day by day that ghost, i'm fighting with my shadow, i'm destroying me, and well i need to finish me quick, becuase my renovation will be majestic. 100 devils that i need to kill, to cheat, to let dowm, to surpass.

They laugh becuase of me, stars and heavens, the only one, the new, careful, freedom, sex, words, love... love... grayscale.

letting go

Today, i woke up, and everything i saw was you, but you didn't hurt a thing... i love you and i always will.

I'm dependig of you? why? well you let me live, you tear me down in here... the place that i'm alone, the Lonelyness, the emptyness.... why i'm depending of your ghost, even if you come to rescue me i will be back, because you are not free, and you are not a savior... Dependency, what you've done to me to feel like you will be my salvation?, becuause you loved me as no one ever loved me? becuase you are the only thing that take care about me?, an illusion?, you always hide me in your life... Dependency! you cannot control my life, i can't take yours either, that love will be burn a special place in my soul, but now i'm not depending of it, because you are not taking it... you don't care, i'm the only one who needs to care about me... i'm nothing in you... are you something to me?

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